what could be the worst?

we were on our way to attend my colleague's granny's wake yesterday night when the group brought up a discussion on the superstitions of attending wakes. someone asked - what could be the worst that can happen? i replied as a matter of fact - die lor.

as soon as the words went out from my mouth, i thought to myself - or was it not? if dying was the worst that could happen to a person, why then do most humans, at a point in time, wished that they would die? suicidal thoughts are not uncommon amongst us. my variant of it is to wish to be in heaven with the Lord - where there is no more pain and tears.

it has been a long time since i last teared - except at the funerals of the people i knew. it has been a long time since i felt miserable, hurt and helpless - to an extent that i sobbed. i had once resoluted not to cry easily - not to intentionally harden my heart - but that i may not be too emotional.

i told a friend recently that i have no dying regrets - i'm glad to know the Lord, and to have a family and fiance who loves me unconditionally. has death lost its sting? yeah, through Jesus we have overcome death. so i guess it's something i'm no longer fearful of.

am i then fearful of life itself? as much as i want to be strong, the inside of me just wishes to run away....and hide somewhere. i'm just a little girl, i thought to myself. why is life so harsh and cruel?

i want to run.....run.....run.................... but then again it's also because of the warmth and joy of life itself - brought to me by the people in my life - that i see hope in the land of the living. maybe it's because of the rain that makes the sunshine seem brighter and warmer.

i guess i have chosen to embrace life - and to live to its fullest!

Fragrant Plain Rice

Was watching a mini-drama serial just now and the 'moral of the story' striked a chord in me -
that it is sheer bliss to be able to dine with your family & loved ones, such that even a simple bowl of plain white rice can taste oh so homely and delicious.

in this materialistic world where everyone competes for more luxury items and food, we have soon forgotten the simplicity of our needs. was at church yesterday when my pastor told of the greatness of his mum's love. and i was reminded of how loving and forgiving my mum was - the time when i was in sec school and i was so worried that i'll flung my higher chinese (and i thought i'll be retained for a year), that i called my mum and instead of scolding me, she reassures me that everything will be fine, and all i need is to try harder next year. her love brought tears to my eyes. although i was just being paranoid and i did actually pass my higher chinese, yet this incident did etch deeply in my memory, reminding me of my mum's love.

bought a book - dying and rising with Christ - to prepare myself for Lent. hope i can meditate and pray more the next 40 days and be more Christ-like.

i have found it more and more unbearable at work these days - having to put up with some obnoxious fella whose every word is "this is your kpi...that is your kpi". whoa, big deal. okay okay, end of my tantrums. Back to my struggling meditations - love. forgive. love. forgive :)