what could be the worst?

we were on our way to attend my colleague's granny's wake yesterday night when the group brought up a discussion on the superstitions of attending wakes. someone asked - what could be the worst that can happen? i replied as a matter of fact - die lor.

as soon as the words went out from my mouth, i thought to myself - or was it not? if dying was the worst that could happen to a person, why then do most humans, at a point in time, wished that they would die? suicidal thoughts are not uncommon amongst us. my variant of it is to wish to be in heaven with the Lord - where there is no more pain and tears.

it has been a long time since i last teared - except at the funerals of the people i knew. it has been a long time since i felt miserable, hurt and helpless - to an extent that i sobbed. i had once resoluted not to cry easily - not to intentionally harden my heart - but that i may not be too emotional.

i told a friend recently that i have no dying regrets - i'm glad to know the Lord, and to have a family and fiance who loves me unconditionally. has death lost its sting? yeah, through Jesus we have overcome death. so i guess it's something i'm no longer fearful of.

am i then fearful of life itself? as much as i want to be strong, the inside of me just wishes to run away....and hide somewhere. i'm just a little girl, i thought to myself. why is life so harsh and cruel?

i want to run.....run.....run.................... but then again it's also because of the warmth and joy of life itself - brought to me by the people in my life - that i see hope in the land of the living. maybe it's because of the rain that makes the sunshine seem brighter and warmer.

i guess i have chosen to embrace life - and to live to its fullest!